Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
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“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
This has made my week.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
how to have fun when you’re poor
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”