Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
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How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
No chill.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”