Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
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I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.