Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
me
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in