My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen
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Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers