@Donna_McCoy

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

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@LittleMissAngr1

Cop: Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *pointing to my friend* She’s in labour, we need to get to the hospital!

Cop: OMG! Would you like a police escort?

Me: Well, if they make it a quickie and keep the uniform on.

@partlyfunny

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

@Mikecanrant

A flash mob has nothing to do with a bunch of Italians in trench coats hanging out at a playground, apparently.

@Sorrowscopes

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

@Carbosly

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

@degg

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

@PhuckinCody

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

@blade_funner

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

@theguywitheyes

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost