Cop: Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *pointing to my friend* She’s in labour, we need to get to the hospital!
Cop: OMG! Would you like a police escort?
Me: Well, if they make it a quickie and keep the uniform on.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
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I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
A flash mob has nothing to do with a bunch of Italians in trench coats hanging out at a playground, apparently.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
me: what’s ur favorite word?
her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost