Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
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Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it