Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

dude it’s called proctologist

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.