@SardonicTart

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

You Might Also Like

@AimeeHelene1

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

@Mr_Kapowski

With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute

@blade_funner

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

@pittdave13

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

@justabloodygame

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

@JohnnyBrash

4: Where did I come from?
Me: Mommy’s belly.
4: How’d I get there?
Me: I, uh…put you there?
4: How did you…
Me: WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?!

@Jarhead44

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

@DirtMcTurd

My thoughts today are like underwear, I don’t have any clean ones.