Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
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I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written