@SardonicTart

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

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@GrantTanaka

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

@good2go013

Life Tip:

Do not treat your woman like an object. It hates that.

@figgled

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

@squirrel74wkgn

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

@Laser_Cat

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

@ColeNoorda

Set a personal record today.

I put 300 lbs on bench press.
I couldn’t lift it, obviously, but once the weight crushed my chest, I was able to hold my breath for 3 minutes and 26 seconds.

Personal best! 🙌

@CrockettForReal

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

@fat_sket

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

@Parkerlawyer

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10