Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
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Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I identify as an antique shop.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒