Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
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I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
when you are just born a rebel
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake