Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
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When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Growing out my freckles.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”