Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
You Might Also Like
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when