@CaseyMichelle__

Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here

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@huntigula

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

@Laser_Cat

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

@yassinovic89

What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

@UnimpressedWU

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

@matt_simpson84

My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing

@Thynebear

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

@timdonakowski

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

@notviking

if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week

@HenpeckedHal

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

@TweetPotato314

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here