Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here

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[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there


[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*


What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.


Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?


My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing


Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?


“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats


if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week


me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that


me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here