@CaseyMichelle__

Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here

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@DainWins

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

@LoisShearing

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

@3sunzzz

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

@fillthevacuum

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

@robfee

I stopped using Hotmail, it’s not for me. I’d rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career.

@MorticiaKate

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

@_laurabee_

woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.

‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’

@CoolBabyRat

*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*

@wolfpupy

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

@MrRamBillings

One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.