@DainWins Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
@CaseyMichelle__ Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here
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@DainWins 
@LoisShearing Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
@3sunzzz If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
@fillthevacuum *died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
@robfee I stopped using Hotmail, it’s not for me. I’d rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career.
@MorticiaKate Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
@_laurabee_ woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.
‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’
@CoolBabyRat *mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*
@wolfpupy “i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
@MrRamBillings One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.