Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here

@torrami: A baby came out of my stomach and I was all "weird, I don't remember eating that..."

70

@PAPPADEMAS: shame on Kellyanne Conway for attempting to politicize the Bowling Green massacre, in which I was killed

1

@copymama: Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

1

@LaytesAgain: If she doesn't scream "YES!" in bed... I don't know. Maybe start asking her different questions?

1

@just1fool: Nothing much worse than being forced to listen to someone else's music and not be able to tell them their taste is shit.

1

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets