She’s not my fake internet girlfriend, she’s my eBae.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here
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Fire Marshal: So why did you shoot off the flare gun?
Me: Well I was out of ranch and the waitress kept walking past my table.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn]
[goose in the distance hears it] “Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*