Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here

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Fire Marshal: So why did you shoot off the flare gun?

Me: Well I was out of ranch and the waitress kept walking past my table.


Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”


[firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn]

[goose in the distance hears it] “Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly”


I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.


My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.


My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.



ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts


*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”