7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
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ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
become ungovernable