[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
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rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision