Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.


One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”



I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.


Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot


T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first


Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here

My dog when we go for a walk.


I heard someone say a guy on TV “oozes sexiness.”

I don’t think oozing is very sexy at all.

If something oozes, it’s probably infected.


I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.


Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.


My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.