Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy