Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.