@chudneyspears

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

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@TheBoydP

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

@the_real_keg

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

@mrtruthandsoul

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

@awhalefact

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

@hipchkk

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

@SortaBad

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

@ericsshadow

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.