Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Ovenable?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES