Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.