Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
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I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
never ask a starfish for directions
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*