@miller_tm

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

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@iamburtjarvis

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

@funnybeachgirl

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

@david8hughes

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

@knot_eye

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

@benjiovo

Who job hiring $100 a second, I’m looking for a 7:00-7:05, nothing too crazy.

@_SingleBabyMama

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

@iMikosnyc

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

@WilliamAder

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

@IncrediblyRich

All you people who chose “The Real” or “Official” before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.