@SkippyMcGizzard

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

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@AnOrangeSNES

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

@UnfilteredMama

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

@NotSoFastDiet

Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.

@TheAlexP

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

@BeTheCookie

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

@ThugRaccoons

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

@JohnASinclair

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?
No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.

@bkdcasey

I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.