Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

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Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*


I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.


Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.


Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade


Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!


Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:


Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?
No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.


I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.