Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
You Might Also Like
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”