I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Just got back from running 10 miles! Okay, 7 miles. FINE 3 miles. Or…1 mile. Okay okay I ran a block. Jogged. Walked. I fell off my couch.
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.
Hate on Americans for not learning English.
Her: I’m a model.
Me: You look so real!
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank