@Home_Halfway

Just got back from running 10 miles! Okay, 7 miles. FINE 3 miles. Or…1 mile. Okay okay I ran a block. Jogged. Walked. I fell off my couch.

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@TheSeanBrewster

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

@NYC_Blonde

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

@NaaN_Conformist

Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.

Hate on Americans for not learning English.

@Tups13

Her: I’m a model.
Me: You look so real!

@TheCatWhisprer

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

@DrakeGatsby

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

@Tylerosis

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

@neiltyson

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

@continentlbkfst

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank