If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
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I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
So, can we agree on 4 or
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit