@tsm560

Just got blocked by a longtime friend here and I’m trying to get over it

I’m over it

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@Princekipzin

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

@kaytaa

Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.

@aveuaskew

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

@iAmDelFreaky

I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.

@AmishPornStar1

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

@Social_Mime

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

@HomeProbably

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

@jonnysun

*explosiom of light*
*univrse is created*
*earth forms*
*plants grow*
*a grape fals off a vine adn drys*
evreythimg hapens for a raisin

@Daveastated

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

@mojo_bones_

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.