Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
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Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted