Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

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Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.


Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are


[sex-ed class]
kid: I still have some questions
me: let me explain *pauses sex-ed video* she can only pay the pizza guy with sex


When Pink Floyd sings, “just another brick in the wall,” it’s a little bit demeaning to bricks.


The latest medical advice is that people for whom this is relevant shouldn’t touch either of their two faces.


interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome


[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”


ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.