Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Stop being racist to kettles.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
next question.
Rt to bother an English speaker
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s