Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

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Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.


ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.


I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that donโ€™t listen either.


The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH


doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure


remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer


Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later


My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.


[Michael Bay directing]
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play