Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
You Might Also Like
occupation: the family disappointment
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.
me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”