Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
You Might Also Like
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
kid: I still have some questions
me: let me explain *pauses sex-ed video* she can only pay the pizza guy with sex
When Pink Floyd sings, “just another brick in the wall,” it’s a little bit demeaning to bricks.
The latest medical advice is that people for whom this is relevant shouldn’t touch either of their two faces.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.