THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.