@sensual_dad

just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality

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@SirEviscerate

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

@suntzufuntzu

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

@IndecisiveJones

So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

@badboychadhoy

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

@living_marble

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

@imteddybless

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

@s8n

Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together

@juanadog

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.