@sensual_dad

just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality

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@Kids_kubed

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

@milespoo

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

@hippieswordfish

[preppin for rap battle]
*pops retainer out*
dont wanna give him any ammunition
*takes off suspenders*
that should do it
*rollerblades away*

@TheCatWhisprer

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

@Reverend_Scott

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

@iamspacegirl

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

@That_Damn_Duck

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

@LittleMissAngr1

Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!

Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen

@HatfieldAnne

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

@ArfMeasures

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert