I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality
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i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[preppin for rap battle]
*pops retainer out*
dont wanna give him any ammunition
*takes off suspenders*
that should do it
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!
Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert