Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
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When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
One venti cheeseburger please.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Like certain sexual acts I鈥檝e engaged in, I don鈥檛 want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that鈥檚 all that matters.
for a small fee i鈥檒l attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 馃槈
#nofilter
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I could never be a therapist because I can鈥檛 hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 馃槶馃ズ馃グ (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 馃槀
Gosh I love her sooo much 鈥硷笍
HER: what鈥檚 with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My first child will be named New Folder.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.