Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

spot the difference

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.