Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Taking phone security to the next level.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me