Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
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What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Muppet Screams
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.