just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

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Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were


It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.


A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?


Chris Brown said he’s done making music.

That’s funny. I didn’t even know he started.


me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy


Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.


“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.


N: Why are you picking up rocks?

M: I’m starting a rock band.

Neighbor walks away.

That is how you get people to leave you alone.


There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.


WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”