@ch000ch

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

You Might Also Like

@MarfSalvador

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

@BobGolen

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

@alextranquada

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

@TheMichaelRock

Chris Brown said he’s done making music.

That’s funny. I didn’t even know he started.

@HenpeckedHal

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

@Tmoney68

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

@DanMentos

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

@pinningnut

N: Why are you picking up rocks?

M: I’m starting a rock band.

Neighbor walks away.

That is how you get people to leave you alone.

@LisaMcAlister1

There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”