Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
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It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Chris Brown said he’s done making music.
That’s funny. I didn’t even know he started.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
N: Why are you picking up rocks?
M: I’m starting a rock band.
Neighbor walks away.
That is how you get people to leave you alone.
There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?