Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
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*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack