@TheNardvark

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

You Might Also Like

@brittwastaken

Based on my Netflix recommendations I’m either a serial killer or chef

@shanethevein

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

@seancehat

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

@bonehugsnirony

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

@FeralCrone

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

@stevevsninjas

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

@mattZillaaaa

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

@Book_Krazy

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

@Yankeegiant72

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall