Based on my Netflix recommendations I’m either a serial killer or chef
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
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I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall