Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
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I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.