Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
“what that mouth do?” complain
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”