@SteveKoehler22

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

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@Naked_Superman

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

@markydoodoo

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

@badbanana

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

@ObscureGent

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

@Browtweaten

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

@envydatropic

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

@Marlebean

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

@portmanteauface

[getting carded]

21: awesome bro, I got this

30: seriously? whatever

35: this is really getting old

40: WILL YOU MARRY ME

@Brampersandon_

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung