It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.
Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
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There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
21: awesome bro, I got this
30: seriously? whatever
35: this is really getting old
40: WILL YOU MARRY ME
Love is like a unicorn. I don’t have a unicorn.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung