@SteveKoehler22

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

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@curlycomedy

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

@NewDadNotes

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

@bea_ker

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

@BadAssB48546279

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

@Tmoney68

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

@rudy_mustang

creep in my dm: can i have a pic of your feet

me: what no

creep: i’ll venmo you $100

me: what color should i paint my toes

@OBiiieeee

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

@ellewasamistake

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

@_NTFG_

Sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.