Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

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It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.


There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.


I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.


Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix


friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain


Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it


The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.


[getting carded]

21: awesome bro, I got this

30: seriously? whatever

35: this is really getting old



ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung