Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.


[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!


Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.


Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.


Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”


creep in my dm: can i have a pic of your feet

me: what no

creep: i’ll venmo you $100

me: what color should i paint my toes


Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.


morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs


Sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.