It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.
Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
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My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.