Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

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It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.


My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.


Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it


at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer


oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight


I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.


[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.


Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?


I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.