@SteveKoehler22

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

You Might Also Like

@AndrewNadeau0

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

@radtoria

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

@continentlbkfst

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

@wolfpupy

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

@leftistthot420

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

@Cpin42

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

@JohnLyonTweets

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.