Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.


Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.


boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok


announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks


if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo


video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!


Our middle child says we neglect him/her.


“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.


Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.