Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
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My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
bias laundering edition
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.