Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
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me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Most fashion shows these days…
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
