@JosesLovesYou

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

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@T_N_Crumpets

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

@mom_tho

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

@Supafunkadunka

Women my age expect a man to have his shit together by now. Time to start dating younger women.

@DaddyJew

I haven’t talked to a single member of my family since the great monopoly battle of ’06. So yea, I know a thing or 2 about holding a grudge.

@moose_chocolate

Some might say I peed my pants.

I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am.

#bt140

@LaLuchaNix

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

@neerjagurnani

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

No matter how adorable you think your young son is, it’s best you not refer to him as a “lady killer”, it might end up being true.