Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

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If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now


brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok


Women my age expect a man to have his shit together by now. Time to start dating younger women.


I haven’t talked to a single member of my family since the great monopoly battle of ’06. So yea, I know a thing or 2 about holding a grudge.


Some might say I peed my pants.

I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am.



My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.


The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.


No matter how adorable you think your young son is, it’s best you not refer to him as a “lady killer”, it might end up being true.