Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
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*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again