Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
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I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
dads on road-trips be like
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns