Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
This meal prepping shit easy
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.