doctor: take it easy on your joints from now on
me: [talking to my blunt] i’m sorry I called you fat
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
me: hold me while i sleep
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Instagram: A girl with her boyfriend of 2 weeks with the caption: “Yeah we’ve had our ups and downs but what couple hasn’t?”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
ME: I’m gonna tickle you!
CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop
ME: Tickle tickle!
CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship
ME: Tickling you more!
CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg