Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
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[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
*murderer looking for me*
Murderer: I’m just a poor boy nobody loves me…
Me under bed: *cry sings* He’s just a poor boy from a poor family
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name amen”
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Life insurance: because why not be painfully aware that you’re worth more dead than alive
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*