Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

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Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…


[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”


*murderer looking for me*
Murderer: I’m just a poor boy nobody loves me…
Me under bed: *cry sings* He’s just a poor boy from a poor family


If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name amen”


I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.


I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.


I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”


Life insurance: because why not be painfully aware that you’re worth more dead than alive