I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
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A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Duolingo getting serious.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father