I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
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Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Never ghost your hitman.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous