Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
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lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
This is my brand.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash