@WheelTod

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

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@XtinaNovakovic

SCREAMING, just hugged my dentist thinking he was going in for one but really he was just taking off my dental bib. Don’t think I can ever recover from this

@Playing_Dad

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

@EJGomez

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

@EricGoldie

You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.

@karanbirtinna

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

@SthembileSimel5

Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..

@kibblesmith

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

@Xoolun

Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

@thedailymarker

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

@gobmentcheese

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.