Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
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[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
🙂🐾
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.