SCREAMING, just hugged my dentist thinking he was going in for one but really he was just taking off my dental bib. Don’t think I can ever recover from this
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
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[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.
Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.