Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
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Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
PLEASE READ
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.