“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
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I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.