Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
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My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea