Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween