Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭

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Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*


“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”


Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*


“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”


Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe


HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry


Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .

Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.

Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.


Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.