Mom: Any big plans today?
Me: Yes, of course, my friend is coming over and…
Mom: The mail doesn’t come on Sundays.
Me: Oh, then no. :'(
Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭
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Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Willy Wonka is a Batman villain with good lawyers.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist