we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
You Might Also Like
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees