just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

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me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped


Just Checked my voicemail. I forgot to buy milk 3 years ago.


The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.


*Nurses dump cooler full of blood on surgeon after successful surgery*


“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.


If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s


Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.


My son just explained how he wants to make a necklace out of my hair which is totally normal & doesn’t at all concern & terrify me.