just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
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doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Our lord and savoury.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush